Sentiments

I felt as if I’m climbing a difficult terrain as much as I wanted to land directly to the summit, there is no shortcut to lead me to get there fast. I realized that its much more difficult to condemn myself between two desperately different things confusion and determination. How much do I need to put myself into the scale thinking which one weights more? Thou it’s a lot easier to lie down and forget dwelling I couldn’t make my brain stay there lifeless. I think I’m a bit more neurotic on the basis that I’m alone. I could think very somber until solitude turn my thoughts to indefinite bag of cash (I hope so…).Sometimes gambling is the only option, I could take the risk win or lose after all I’m just up to the game and the fun of it.

What am I up to do with what I’ve got? A mom weaning at me, a biological sister who never needed me, a father who has a life of his own and step siblings who at most contented and successful in their chosen life path. Me? I’m a lonely jobless who has nothing to prove in my span. In attempt to get over my somber, fat began to alienate my body and I strictly say those incumbent fat is unwelcome. So there you have it. Every time I’m passing these obstacles I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity. I’m struck to the fact that no matter how I wanted to keep myself composed still I hear my shattering explosion boom in front of me. Suddenly it is a lot easier to lose control and forget about every distraction I have in mind.

I am never thoughtless, I think a lot of time even though I’m at sleep I burn my brain thinking. Even to the least I know to the farthest dream I recognize would never happen. Perhaps certainty to me means deeper way to the abyss I could not sometimes stand it. I would dream and find myself at it in determination but then I’ll collide to the ifs of my dream and end up in confusion. I’m in between. And getting stuck there is a lot hefty to bring and put into scrutiny. Through the tempting scrape of time I wanted to bring the past to the present and enmesh what I could have avoided then so the outcome would be a lot more concise and bearable but regrets is meant to be at last. That is the harshest reality every present in a lifetime.

Staring blankly to the mown garden I can’t collect my initial thoughts together, I’m spontaneously spilling plans on my asylum thinking someday I’ll be able to put them in untangled pieces.  I’m poor at asking for help, I don’t want the responsibility to ask someone on something I think I could do on my own but what do I’ll get from succumbing to my irreverent mind. Only hope that my faith would not fail me.

As a matter of fact I don’t know if I’m getting somewhere through this piece I’m putting in words. This thought won’t seem to help a penniless mother or someone who was about to lose sanity. I just wanted to reach out this time. I have been struggling to overcome what ever it is that the community could not accept me for and I’m trying my luck to put my best on priority but I suppose God has His own plan for me. I suppose getting struck in the middle has something to do with God’s surprise gift for me. This is I know for certain that in the end I’ll be going to where I really belonged.