Sentiments

Yesterday was a day of mishaps not only because of insufficient fund that made my day inexorable but due to some extraordinaire findings; I almost fell out of my seat. The culprit was my adolescent mind for thinking so much about my mother’s ultimate suffering and my abundant share of it. I wonder what it would like if I was given the freedom of driving her perpetrator out of her face and salvaging the time that is keeping her timid. Exquisite. Perhaps I would love to live the consideration that nothing can ever spoil my life but that is more than irrelevant and bounded circuit.

Tilting from window to window caressing the dress in front of me I could no less wonder to what part of my life made me felt miserable? Perhaps a lot to tell but only very few made it to turn my life distorted or appreciated. Every inch of it was in fact to my mother’s agony and yet it made me responsible to keep all my intricate knowledge of that spoilage to myself. I was more afraid of the outcome from what I know could ruin the closeness I have with every member of my circle. I badly wanted to give it a shot back on those who tried messing me up by terrorizing my mother but then thanks that my mom keep me guarded. More than everything else she became the first hand bearer of this distortion, before I could even have a glimpse of it she had the entire feel exclusively. I could not imagine how she felt the truth slapping her both ways; I couldn’t bear to see she’s not even responding to how she was badly mistreated.

Time knows when and until when. I can’t wait until this paralysis has to end. My mother fought for me even though she does not tell me about it. I could not just leave the fact that she has to endure every pain and suffering just to make sure I get the whole life deal right. All is not just about the amount of finances she spends for me or lavishing me with the most expensive gifts. What I appreciated more was the mere fact that she never gives me up despite many times of disputes and endless ebbing. As much as I’m trying to fix my broken bone and cure my own despair my mother struggled to keep her eyes on me when in fact there were much more things she has to fix to make her life much more bearable. Thanks to the Lord that I was given a strong mother.

On times that I can’t stand her I put her under the lens of close scrutiny but I wanted her to know that after the collision, I made it a bet that it is only temporary after all she had 9 months suffering by bearing me into her system. I think the most extravagant gift I could ever give her is my understanding of her anatomy and her feelings while recognizing that I too have to fight for her. On circumstances that I found myself in between confusion and determination she put a strain on me to decide whether which way I would enjoy and in my regrets she does not interfere my privacy to lament, that was the best silence I got from her. She knows how to make it equal. However I could not make it a statement that my mom is perfect. Like every human being I see her flaws visible and her weakness beckoning me, part of it I’m starting to get used to.