Sentiments

Yesterday was a day of mishaps not only because of insufficient fund that made my day inexorable but due to some extraordinaire findings; I almost fell out of my seat. The culprit was my adolescent mind for thinking so much about my mother’s ultimate suffering and my abundant share of it. I wonder what it would like if I was given the freedom of driving her perpetrator out of her face and salvaging the time that is keeping her timid. Exquisite. Perhaps I would love to live the consideration that nothing can ever spoil my life but that is more than irrelevant and bounded circuit.

Tilting from window to window caressing the dress in front of me I could no less wonder to what part of my life made me felt miserable? Perhaps a lot to tell but only very few made it to turn my life distorted or appreciated. Every inch of it was in fact to my mother’s agony and yet it made me responsible to keep all my intricate knowledge of that spoilage to myself. I was more afraid of the outcome from what I know could ruin the closeness I have with every member of my circle. I badly wanted to give it a shot back on those who tried messing me up by terrorizing my mother but then thanks that my mom keep me guarded. More than everything else she became the first hand bearer of this distortion, before I could even have a glimpse of it she had the entire feel exclusively. I could not imagine how she felt the truth slapping her both ways; I couldn’t bear to see she’s not even responding to how she was badly mistreated.

Time knows when and until when. I can’t wait until this paralysis has to end. My mother fought for me even though she does not tell me about it. I could not just leave the fact that she has to endure every pain and suffering just to make sure I get the whole life deal right. All is not just about the amount of finances she spends for me or lavishing me with the most expensive gifts. What I appreciated more was the mere fact that she never gives me up despite many times of disputes and endless ebbing. As much as I’m trying to fix my broken bone and cure my own despair my mother struggled to keep her eyes on me when in fact there were much more things she has to fix to make her life much more bearable. Thanks to the Lord that I was given a strong mother.

On times that I can’t stand her I put her under the lens of close scrutiny but I wanted her to know that after the collision, I made it a bet that it is only temporary after all she had 9 months suffering by bearing me into her system. I think the most extravagant gift I could ever give her is my understanding of her anatomy and her feelings while recognizing that I too have to fight for her. On circumstances that I found myself in between confusion and determination she put a strain on me to decide whether which way I would enjoy and in my regrets she does not interfere my privacy to lament, that was the best silence I got from her. She knows how to make it equal. However I could not make it a statement that my mom is perfect. Like every human being I see her flaws visible and her weakness beckoning me, part of it I’m starting to get used to.

I become stagnant upon realizing that I’m starting to lose the memory I longed taken care of.  IF there is only a way to stop those memories from falling perhaps I would consider. Afraid to surfeit falling in love again, I grew oblivious to the pain and became reckless to dispose even this strangled heart of mine. I was left nothing but barely the assumption that someday I will forget this insanity that possesses me.

I could not wait until I learn the tricks of this trade. I will commit myself to love despite the betrayal or the charade of illusions that it might forsake me, but I am only willing to risk it all to love of myself and not to surrender it unjustly to anybody else. I hadn’t loose too much, apparently I was taught to strategize cautiously. Love is a responsibility but often times love became just a game between two stupid players.

 I love you is the most abused word in the world. It can either create or destruct a life. I love you can be both a truth and a deafening lie. Perhaps a triumph and a defeat. In some cases it is the only hope while for some it is the end of line. As much as I want to believe the value of that phrase, I would rather hear  it from the right mouth than to create an assumption and realize in the end that it is all a fabricated summation of words.

Love is the only thing that connects life and death. It is a line that connects opposite directions. It is life when love brings you happiness and it is death when it showers you with sorrow and despair. Sometimes love impairs your ability to think straight and often leads to argumentations worse are separations. It can betray you or it can elate you to high heavens. Love is what makes a human vulnerable to wounds and introduces change.

Speaking of change I am steered unto this chancy circuit where I realized I pass through a lot of billboards. On those billboards was a billeted pictures of me and the great love that I had, the love that I thought would never perish. As I go through my drive I noticed that those pictures slowly fades away, only then that I realized that I had already passed by those billboard withholding those brightly colored mementos. As much as I wanted to turn back my steering wheel there is no chance to return back on a one way street.

Nonetheless I have no choice but to go on and reach my destination despite the notion that at the end of this journey the last billboard that I’ll see is next to invisible.

I was held upside down when my self proclaimed “SINGLE FOREVER” friend fringed me about her announcement that SHE is FINALLY GETTING MARRIED. I exclaimed on this frantic news but my excitement is not a delightful guest surfacing my status, at the back of my mind I screamed “LOSER!”. On the line of today’s pile of unavoidable accidents and oil price hike news was a hundred and one percent posted announcement I came unprepared. ANOTHER SINGLETON FINALLY SETTLING DOWN, FRIEND LEFT STRANDED!. Intimidated I was not, but honestly I would have to say GOODLUCK to this friend of mine, after all her snares that her HUSBAND TO BE IS SO LOYAL which I doubted very much to believe is putting a smile to my dearest friend’s pinkish lips.

Again, in my torment I am here still strangled into the dissertation of being single, no strings attached to any man possibly could be my meaty romance, well of course for the happiness of my dear friend I show no signs of dismay over here, but deep inside I knew that I have to go through the agony of attending a lovey dovey romantic wedding, and if not for my friend I would certainly label this event a BLACK day that is as horrible as of dying with derange disease.

I would be going into an event crowded by man and woman stringing and proudly circling with someone clinging on their hand, how’s that for a singleton sitting on a silly chair waiting for the entire entourage to finish and add to that the concoction I must have to endure during the reception, all those games for singles or is it called wedding tradition. Not that I’m against to the enjoyment of the newly weds but these is another friendly sacrifice for me. Another manifestation of the line I always hear on occasions like these.

“oh! There is my single friend Rixs I would like you to meet..,blah blah blah….”

Just the imagination of all the strangled sacrifice I have to endear would surely be my most precious wedding gift to my beloved friend, containing all the time I’m going to spend socializing with individuals I never knew and never thought I need to meet though, why the hell on earth do I have to blatantly expose my face to a line of couples enjoying the aroma spreading love is in the air while I was only left to loving the chair I will be sitting on. At the least bringing comfort to my disturbed thinking, I fast forwarded my thoughts to think that I’ll be enjoying the cuisine served to the guests, I would be delighted if the food is to be served instead of adjoining to stand along on the buffet at the least I won’t have to leave my seat. However the thought of sitting beside another stranger especially a singleton like me is not that bad at all, unless he is a HE.

_____the wedding day____

I planned my excuse, I planned everything well, my absence shall not be so obvious. I conceded to my thought that attending is hazardous thingy for me, in effect I would be so stressed out which according to my doctor is a major no no for me. -BUT- I don’t want to paint sadness into my friend’s special day… so I was none the less left to abort my own wanting. I have to order my body to be friend all connecting vein to my brain to resist all message persuading me not to attend to this day. I wore my necessary accessories complementing my dress, days ahead I silently practiced the way I’ll be smiling, and today is the day I will put it to condemnation, I wore my best convincing smile while I was silently wishing that my friend is just pulling my leg, that there is no wedding going to happen and that I don’t have to attend. That I was too silly to believe her and the most extravagant part is raising her hand promising me that she will never get married until I said I Do first. 

TAN-TAN-TA-NAN-TAN-TAN-TA-NAN

Here comes the bride, walking the aisle in her exquisite pearly white gown and her face done in lightly colored hues, I was amazed to see her in her last moment of her single blessedness. I became too stunned to see her glow slowly embracing her to live a new path of life labeling her as Wife and soon will bring her to her ultimate womanhood and allow her to legally bear children in her womb, I can’t believe it, and my friend finally found her happy ending.

And here I was, in a snap silently wishing that I soon would find my piece of happy ending, a prince on the end of the aisle waiting patiently as I walk down the red carpet and live a life with him. In an instant my friend’s wedding brought me tenderly to the clouds of hard to find happiness and this dream is what I hate in celebration like this, all I was left with is the imagination of the future and the fact that I’m still in the present which is known to the world as SINGLEHOOD, and I am still a singleton in the world where almost all of my associates are known as MARRIED.

___//

In the reception, my fears came to life, I was assigned to be seated next to a batch of   singletons, but their lift is much lighter than mine for they were group of singles closely related to each other. Next to me was a guy named Phil and all that I knew about him was his real name is Philip. He extended his hands to me; he waited for an introduction so I feigned to introduce myself and told him my name. He smiled and so I did and that was the end. During the entire reception we hardly talked from time to time he stands and goes away from the reception area. Opposite of what I was doing, waiting to end this torment. Perhaps he is a little devastated of his status, like me.

My newly wedded friend approached me as if she became my expert teaser today I clasp my hands as I saw her, she was the most extravagant bride I’ve ever seen. Her faces paints endless smiles and shout out unstoppable laughter, perhaps her husband indeed made her very happy. “So how’s my dearest maid of honor doing?, do you enjoy the celebration?”

“Of course but I could have enjoyed better if I have a wonderful someone right here with me” and I followed with smile, just a little smile to express her my gratitude of beyond all means I don’t know if it is right to gave her a smile when all I want to do is to yell and tell her that I felt miserable because she left me brutally to singleness.

The point of this story, while someone is happy someone is also silently bleeding. Not all wedding is just a happy occasion sometimes it became a borderline between being single and being taken. Where being single became a lonely other side of what is being celebrated.

*to all future bride and groom out there, I wish you all the best in your new life together and also to all the singles out there, the time will come we will also face our own happy ending despite all the pain that loving bring us* hAve Faith!