Sentiments

"im ok"

"i can handle it"

"take care"

"im so sorry"

"i miss you"

"i need you"

and…

"i love you"

i reset my mind, i should. tommorow major exams, but here i am writting something to my blog, instead of giving my mind the twist of statistical formulas and data of reasonable programming language, here instead of doing something academically related, i sit to type what i feel.

right now, i felt nothing all i want to do is type and type and make those damn projects, mine and others? Nah! too much for that, actually i accept such busy going matters to busy myself out of my ordinary "school-home routine" maybe a subway to let me forget something i don’t wanna think about. Maybe it was way to heavy that my stratigic conversion of the real me says to run on my fears, but then again i know deep down  is should not run on it.

Million miles, while i see falling stars i wish onto them believing that one day it will come up to me, granting my wish, one day i woke up i have in my arms what i wish for, but then i realize it was for a short time only given to me in a quick short time. i opened my eyes and think of the better things i could wish for, the ones who could stay forever,but does forever really stays?

life is yet to complicated to understand, to cruel to love, to mysterious to identify and to serious to play like a game, right now i’m still searching the way back home, im searching for that gentle care that would caress me at my loneliness, i look around the persons around me, i thought their presence would be enough, but yet something is missing. a part of me.

it is normaly hard to hold on to a relationship

that you dont want to let go, because as we all know it

it is the love and affection that conceals all the misery,

tragedy and sorrows of the love that gotten too deep.

personally i believe that in letting go it is just the beginning of

a new hope and aspirations. actually yes it is.

how could i say no to the person i love, but indeed the hard part

is how to just forget  all the things you shared together

the joy of being with each other, the smiles and even the simple thoughts

that was handled to by time…

now i am trying my very best to move close to what i’m supposed to do and

learn to give up my space. and accept it that it is not meant to be.

howcome letting go is the begginging when it came to end the most valuable thing in the world, the person who hold close.

my friend says "let go now or regret it forever" and i answered

"let him go and regret it right away?!" love is absolutely crazy , last thing i knew

i believe in signs and faith and destiny, then i

met him and everything change and now here i am

suddenly turning back at point of what the hell went wrong…

is it the time he and i met?

yes the time might be wrong, but how do i tell?

if i turn away from him would he ran back to stop me?

would he stay "please stay"

or rather say that "he chooses me"

its impossible!

he wouldn’t do that i know

i realize that i can’t read his mind

because i can’t even have his heart so does his mind…

and i remember the first thing i advice him

"if you’re meant to be, then you are really meant to be"

now those word came to haunt me…

and yes it is the words that i once believed try to tell something…

that if he’s meant to be mine, he’ll be no matter what…

cause i try my best not to cry

try my very best to smile

and i guess i failed to understand why

i look up at the sky

heaven i started to fall down

down to my knees

something i realize

my heart  break into pieces

here i am trying to conceal

my aching mind that was so tired of thinking

and i pray above to hear my falls

catch me to my burden

suddenly i saw

a hanky of white color

and the answer i guess

is a painful surrender

like tears fall endlessly

here i surrender…

i surrender my heart to love unconditionaly

thou i know thing became wrong

so wrong…

as if i was about to fall

suddenly i hear your call

doubts surround me as i walk

though my fears try to talk

i just want to get to you

but i didn’t see im fading too

then it came to me haunt me

yes i didn’t see it can be

im doing my thing

and just shading a broken wing

after all its been a time

that turn in an haunted crime

how do i stop cryin?

why can’t i stop tryin?

why else should i go far

when i can reach for the star

right here next in your arms

im tucked in thy charms

while all they see is no good

i believe in your hood

now i came to understand why

and when i hear all my cry

shall i surrender?

or put it on a ponder

i keep my grasp too tight

to hold on far to this fight

and yet seem i hid too much

that im a fool of such

now look at what have you done

or shall i count none?

confusion keep bugging

and i can’t stop holding

so please stay

right here don’t go away

please dont let me hurtin

all these memories burnin’

nights were to cold

all i need is you to hold

and i heard your beating

trun to screaming

and im so sure only love is the cure

like my broken wings

that only you can fix

forgive me for staying

cause when im leaving

i cant just go on more

and let a heart be soar…