Sentiments

I felt as if I’m climbing a difficult terrain as much as I wanted to land directly to the summit, there is no shortcut to lead me to get there fast. I realized that its much more difficult to condemn myself between two desperately different things confusion and determination. How much do I need to put myself into the scale thinking which one weights more? Thou it’s a lot easier to lie down and forget dwelling I couldn’t make my brain stay there lifeless. I think I’m a bit more neurotic on the basis that I’m alone. I could think very somber until solitude turn my thoughts to indefinite bag of cash (I hope so…).Sometimes gambling is the only option, I could take the risk win or lose after all I’m just up to the game and the fun of it.

What am I up to do with what I’ve got? A mom weaning at me, a biological sister who never needed me, a father who has a life of his own and step siblings who at most contented and successful in their chosen life path. Me? I’m a lonely jobless who has nothing to prove in my span. In attempt to get over my somber, fat began to alienate my body and I strictly say those incumbent fat is unwelcome. So there you have it. Every time I’m passing these obstacles I feel like I’m going to lose my sanity. I’m struck to the fact that no matter how I wanted to keep myself composed still I hear my shattering explosion boom in front of me. Suddenly it is a lot easier to lose control and forget about every distraction I have in mind.

I am never thoughtless, I think a lot of time even though I’m at sleep I burn my brain thinking. Even to the least I know to the farthest dream I recognize would never happen. Perhaps certainty to me means deeper way to the abyss I could not sometimes stand it. I would dream and find myself at it in determination but then I’ll collide to the ifs of my dream and end up in confusion. I’m in between. And getting stuck there is a lot hefty to bring and put into scrutiny. Through the tempting scrape of time I wanted to bring the past to the present and enmesh what I could have avoided then so the outcome would be a lot more concise and bearable but regrets is meant to be at last. That is the harshest reality every present in a lifetime.

Staring blankly to the mown garden I can’t collect my initial thoughts together, I’m spontaneously spilling plans on my asylum thinking someday I’ll be able to put them in untangled pieces.  I’m poor at asking for help, I don’t want the responsibility to ask someone on something I think I could do on my own but what do I’ll get from succumbing to my irreverent mind. Only hope that my faith would not fail me.

As a matter of fact I don’t know if I’m getting somewhere through this piece I’m putting in words. This thought won’t seem to help a penniless mother or someone who was about to lose sanity. I just wanted to reach out this time. I have been struggling to overcome what ever it is that the community could not accept me for and I’m trying my luck to put my best on priority but I suppose God has His own plan for me. I suppose getting struck in the middle has something to do with God’s surprise gift for me. This is I know for certain that in the end I’ll be going to where I really belonged.

Yesterday was a day of mishaps not only because of insufficient fund that made my day inexorable but due to some extraordinaire findings; I almost fell out of my seat. The culprit was my adolescent mind for thinking so much about my mother’s ultimate suffering and my abundant share of it. I wonder what it would like if I was given the freedom of driving her perpetrator out of her face and salvaging the time that is keeping her timid. Exquisite. Perhaps I would love to live the consideration that nothing can ever spoil my life but that is more than irrelevant and bounded circuit.

Tilting from window to window caressing the dress in front of me I could no less wonder to what part of my life made me felt miserable? Perhaps a lot to tell but only very few made it to turn my life distorted or appreciated. Every inch of it was in fact to my mother’s agony and yet it made me responsible to keep all my intricate knowledge of that spoilage to myself. I was more afraid of the outcome from what I know could ruin the closeness I have with every member of my circle. I badly wanted to give it a shot back on those who tried messing me up by terrorizing my mother but then thanks that my mom keep me guarded. More than everything else she became the first hand bearer of this distortion, before I could even have a glimpse of it she had the entire feel exclusively. I could not imagine how she felt the truth slapping her both ways; I couldn’t bear to see she’s not even responding to how she was badly mistreated.

Time knows when and until when. I can’t wait until this paralysis has to end. My mother fought for me even though she does not tell me about it. I could not just leave the fact that she has to endure every pain and suffering just to make sure I get the whole life deal right. All is not just about the amount of finances she spends for me or lavishing me with the most expensive gifts. What I appreciated more was the mere fact that she never gives me up despite many times of disputes and endless ebbing. As much as I’m trying to fix my broken bone and cure my own despair my mother struggled to keep her eyes on me when in fact there were much more things she has to fix to make her life much more bearable. Thanks to the Lord that I was given a strong mother.

On times that I can’t stand her I put her under the lens of close scrutiny but I wanted her to know that after the collision, I made it a bet that it is only temporary after all she had 9 months suffering by bearing me into her system. I think the most extravagant gift I could ever give her is my understanding of her anatomy and her feelings while recognizing that I too have to fight for her. On circumstances that I found myself in between confusion and determination she put a strain on me to decide whether which way I would enjoy and in my regrets she does not interfere my privacy to lament, that was the best silence I got from her. She knows how to make it equal. However I could not make it a statement that my mom is perfect. Like every human being I see her flaws visible and her weakness beckoning me, part of it I’m starting to get used to.

I become stagnant upon realizing that I’m starting to lose the memory I longed taken care of.  IF there is only a way to stop those memories from falling perhaps I would consider. Afraid to surfeit falling in love again, I grew oblivious to the pain and became reckless to dispose even this strangled heart of mine. I was left nothing but barely the assumption that someday I will forget this insanity that possesses me.

I could not wait until I learn the tricks of this trade. I will commit myself to love despite the betrayal or the charade of illusions that it might forsake me, but I am only willing to risk it all to love of myself and not to surrender it unjustly to anybody else. I hadn’t loose too much, apparently I was taught to strategize cautiously. Love is a responsibility but often times love became just a game between two stupid players.

 I love you is the most abused word in the world. It can either create or destruct a life. I love you can be both a truth and a deafening lie. Perhaps a triumph and a defeat. In some cases it is the only hope while for some it is the end of line. As much as I want to believe the value of that phrase, I would rather hear  it from the right mouth than to create an assumption and realize in the end that it is all a fabricated summation of words.

Love is the only thing that connects life and death. It is a line that connects opposite directions. It is life when love brings you happiness and it is death when it showers you with sorrow and despair. Sometimes love impairs your ability to think straight and often leads to argumentations worse are separations. It can betray you or it can elate you to high heavens. Love is what makes a human vulnerable to wounds and introduces change.

Speaking of change I am steered unto this chancy circuit where I realized I pass through a lot of billboards. On those billboards was a billeted pictures of me and the great love that I had, the love that I thought would never perish. As I go through my drive I noticed that those pictures slowly fades away, only then that I realized that I had already passed by those billboard withholding those brightly colored mementos. As much as I wanted to turn back my steering wheel there is no chance to return back on a one way street.

Nonetheless I have no choice but to go on and reach my destination despite the notion that at the end of this journey the last billboard that I’ll see is next to invisible.

I was held upside down when my self proclaimed “SINGLE FOREVER” friend fringed me about her announcement that SHE is FINALLY GETTING MARRIED. I exclaimed on this frantic news but my excitement is not a delightful guest surfacing my status, at the back of my mind I screamed “LOSER!”. On the line of today’s pile of unavoidable accidents and oil price hike news was a hundred and one percent posted announcement I came unprepared. ANOTHER SINGLETON FINALLY SETTLING DOWN, FRIEND LEFT STRANDED!. Intimidated I was not, but honestly I would have to say GOODLUCK to this friend of mine, after all her snares that her HUSBAND TO BE IS SO LOYAL which I doubted very much to believe is putting a smile to my dearest friend’s pinkish lips.

Again, in my torment I am here still strangled into the dissertation of being single, no strings attached to any man possibly could be my meaty romance, well of course for the happiness of my dear friend I show no signs of dismay over here, but deep inside I knew that I have to go through the agony of attending a lovey dovey romantic wedding, and if not for my friend I would certainly label this event a BLACK day that is as horrible as of dying with derange disease.

I would be going into an event crowded by man and woman stringing and proudly circling with someone clinging on their hand, how’s that for a singleton sitting on a silly chair waiting for the entire entourage to finish and add to that the concoction I must have to endure during the reception, all those games for singles or is it called wedding tradition. Not that I’m against to the enjoyment of the newly weds but these is another friendly sacrifice for me. Another manifestation of the line I always hear on occasions like these.

“oh! There is my single friend Rixs I would like you to meet..,blah blah blah….”

Just the imagination of all the strangled sacrifice I have to endear would surely be my most precious wedding gift to my beloved friend, containing all the time I’m going to spend socializing with individuals I never knew and never thought I need to meet though, why the hell on earth do I have to blatantly expose my face to a line of couples enjoying the aroma spreading love is in the air while I was only left to loving the chair I will be sitting on. At the least bringing comfort to my disturbed thinking, I fast forwarded my thoughts to think that I’ll be enjoying the cuisine served to the guests, I would be delighted if the food is to be served instead of adjoining to stand along on the buffet at the least I won’t have to leave my seat. However the thought of sitting beside another stranger especially a singleton like me is not that bad at all, unless he is a HE.

_____the wedding day____

I planned my excuse, I planned everything well, my absence shall not be so obvious. I conceded to my thought that attending is hazardous thingy for me, in effect I would be so stressed out which according to my doctor is a major no no for me. -BUT- I don’t want to paint sadness into my friend’s special day… so I was none the less left to abort my own wanting. I have to order my body to be friend all connecting vein to my brain to resist all message persuading me not to attend to this day. I wore my necessary accessories complementing my dress, days ahead I silently practiced the way I’ll be smiling, and today is the day I will put it to condemnation, I wore my best convincing smile while I was silently wishing that my friend is just pulling my leg, that there is no wedding going to happen and that I don’t have to attend. That I was too silly to believe her and the most extravagant part is raising her hand promising me that she will never get married until I said I Do first. 

TAN-TAN-TA-NAN-TAN-TAN-TA-NAN

Here comes the bride, walking the aisle in her exquisite pearly white gown and her face done in lightly colored hues, I was amazed to see her in her last moment of her single blessedness. I became too stunned to see her glow slowly embracing her to live a new path of life labeling her as Wife and soon will bring her to her ultimate womanhood and allow her to legally bear children in her womb, I can’t believe it, and my friend finally found her happy ending.

And here I was, in a snap silently wishing that I soon would find my piece of happy ending, a prince on the end of the aisle waiting patiently as I walk down the red carpet and live a life with him. In an instant my friend’s wedding brought me tenderly to the clouds of hard to find happiness and this dream is what I hate in celebration like this, all I was left with is the imagination of the future and the fact that I’m still in the present which is known to the world as SINGLEHOOD, and I am still a singleton in the world where almost all of my associates are known as MARRIED.

___//

In the reception, my fears came to life, I was assigned to be seated next to a batch of   singletons, but their lift is much lighter than mine for they were group of singles closely related to each other. Next to me was a guy named Phil and all that I knew about him was his real name is Philip. He extended his hands to me; he waited for an introduction so I feigned to introduce myself and told him my name. He smiled and so I did and that was the end. During the entire reception we hardly talked from time to time he stands and goes away from the reception area. Opposite of what I was doing, waiting to end this torment. Perhaps he is a little devastated of his status, like me.

My newly wedded friend approached me as if she became my expert teaser today I clasp my hands as I saw her, she was the most extravagant bride I’ve ever seen. Her faces paints endless smiles and shout out unstoppable laughter, perhaps her husband indeed made her very happy. “So how’s my dearest maid of honor doing?, do you enjoy the celebration?”

“Of course but I could have enjoyed better if I have a wonderful someone right here with me” and I followed with smile, just a little smile to express her my gratitude of beyond all means I don’t know if it is right to gave her a smile when all I want to do is to yell and tell her that I felt miserable because she left me brutally to singleness.

The point of this story, while someone is happy someone is also silently bleeding. Not all wedding is just a happy occasion sometimes it became a borderline between being single and being taken. Where being single became a lonely other side of what is being celebrated.

*to all future bride and groom out there, I wish you all the best in your new life together and also to all the singles out there, the time will come we will also face our own happy ending despite all the pain that loving bring us* hAve Faith!

Although this habitat we call earth is wonderfully created, many splendid things humans appreciate only when it is too late for recognition, sometimes never recognized at all. I was lucky because I have had the chance to see what others could not see boldly by naked eyes. For this forever that I need no particular boyfriend to share with, many thoughts flourished in my veins and learned the lessons finally by heart and here I will tell you a story of forever that was too short for me. A forever nobody knows resides in me.

She is a good friend to me, she is someone who I love to share my throughput journey towards my life exploration activity. She is someone I once hated for being loved and adored by many and now she is someone I could love forever for being with me through black and white. She’s someone I could talk flinty things with, she’s the opposite character I never lived with and she is a part of my forever.

One waking day she called me asking for a walk together, maybe she has something to ask me but wanted to talk about it personally, it’s a nice day to begin because I’m in the mood to share to her my latest life abouts. We decided to meet somewhere near our previous college campus, conversation began and we talk from candid stories to the very serious ones. I never saw her confused about life until that day, wonders came to me of what kind of solitude take her normal day attitude out of her spirit. I’m not the patient kind of person but I waited til our topic gets there.

She asks me a sudden question as we’ve been keeping pauses long enough, I think we came to reach the point of losing stories to tell she asks me “If all your riches were to take away from you what among those things would you like to remain with you?” taken aback with that question I came to think of the things that I wanted to remain with me. I came to three final answers. Happiness, Peace of mind and Time. Upon telling her my answer I saw blank emotion in her face I guess she’s expecting me to tell her material things, but it came as not what she expected, by the way she is not just the one who’s bluntly moved from that answer, I was also amazed on how I come upon with those combo. My answers were followed by her quick eyebrow rising and questioning why. Long pause surrounded us as if there’s no one around when the place was way too crowded at midday.

I simply answered her that I came to that because I lost those three along the way and it hurts that when  it had passed you by you can’t buy it back to what it was once been. I sounded clearly, I was fascinated by my answer and it hit me too. It was a realization I never thought one day in my 20 years of life would come out straight from my mouth. I was moved by my answer because it was so true. So just true.

She told me to elucidate her on what I meant by my answer, I bet she didn’t see my way to it so I decided to cite her my reason of what precisely I mean of those things. Here are those given

For Happiness

I wanted happiness to remain with me because it’s very hard to find, its something you could never ask anyone to give you because happiness comes from your within and if you once lost it you have to search everywhere to find it but then again it’s not the same happiness you’d been into not even similar to the previous one. Like when you found someone who loves you back its so rare to find that feeling that both of you squarely love each other back, there’s happiness in that in a way. Who would want that happiness to end right away? Also happiness feel appreciated, happiness in the arms of those person closest to you. You know you can have material wealth all you want by just working but you could never easily buy happiness with all the money that you have.

For Peace of Mind

It comes when you start being actually contented with life, when you learn to make peace with those persons who know you can never deal with. Being human makes it harder to have it because there’s no contented human in this place. So its very hard to obtain it. Peace of mind comes with acceptance and trust without it there is no guarantee that you will have the right kind of peace that you’re looking for.

For Time

When it passes you by there is no more chance of getting it back, whether how large the amount of wealth you trade for it, it cannot bring back the lost events, memories and person you’ve lost on that particular time in your watch. Though it came with the same number every day the very moment that time brings you to spend wisely, you cannot bring back when you mistook the chance for a wrong decision.

Among the three it has the most powerful effect in your life, either to lead you to regret of lost times or to bring you security to obtain your goal in life by means of grabbing opportunities time brings along.

Seems she had seen my wave, she told me that I came just right in time to enlighten her troubled persona that I came right to help her out of her vicious dream of perfect life. While she was telling me praises on my explanation I could not help but contain my curiosity of the next thing she said which is in this form “Do you ever believe in forever?”

This friend of mine seems to be really troubled of heading her life to forever, so I decided to tell her my idea of shot forever that I learn the hard way too. Forever is not time, forever is journey it is how you wanted your life to end and to start when you realize that your decision wronged you. Forever is the in between of now and yesterday. Forever is in your hand because there is no truth to the thoughts that forever exist in form that it will never end, and I believed that there is only short glimpse of forever.

Maybe she was to busy figuring out of what I meant by that, I waited for her to demand me to explain but she didn’t, she just bowed her head and let a leap of cry in my shoulder. I understand now. My friend, She was trying to look for her forever.

I ended our conversation with a hug. For the first time she hugged me back tight. She said she wanted to converse with me again maybe by that time she’ll be the one teaching me of what it is she learned in her forever. We parted way back to home with hopes of continuing our life with forever staying grounded in our hearts.

normal day sitting infront of my computer looking into the monitor figuring out what went wrong with my day that it looks like a distorted picture hanging on a broken line into the faces of my fuschia and black imaginary colored room. Then i came to attend my nephew’s cry, maybe he was a little upset because of his disturbed sleep. I made a poker face in front of him to divert his attention to a more smirk lovely day, i was hoping i could make him stop from crying right away but maybe pretensions wont work even to a one year old boy.
I knew myself, i was not happy to see a lonely me reflecting in the mirror and even the kid could see it the way i joked him with a face with fake intentions.
I dont know if everything would face into place after i desserted a road decorated with success in exchange of a rule i almost regret every waking day. I said i’ll never let myself suffer from reckleses pain, but here i am again, making my way to torment but the only difference it shows were about the cause of the pain.
I could say it is a desision out of my own plan but i pursue anyway, i feel my heart suffocate from letting a moment of sucess pass. Words wouldn’t be enough to dissect each of my prepositions and of all to avoid are chances of misinterpretations that might ruin what is supposed to be left alone.
The reason of my daybreak wake is to let mind float in continous river which is the term we now identify as the net and from the unlimited oppurtunities bounded i let my mind float away and build my own limitless dreams were no one can stop me from reaching it. Nobody would cut me short and nobody would atleast hand me a trauma of letting things go away from my reach.To tell the world i am in a position where tangent lines where visible enough to remind me that dreams are far away to make a plain line in my hand.

Dito sa isang sulok nakatambay ako habang tangan tangan ko ang piraso ng balat na kendi na isang linggo ko nang kinikipkip sa bulsa ng pantalon kong butas butas. Mabilis ang galaw ng mundo kahit na nga wala namang pinagiba ito sa mundong nakita ko kahapon. At habang abala ako sa pag pitik sa balat ng kending hawak hawak ko ay walang humpay rin ang pagtakbo ng isip ko na tila ba nakikipagkumpentsya sa bilang ng saksayang kumakaripas ng takbo sa harapan ko. At nang napasulyap ako sa mga katabi kong bagay na wala namang buhay naisip ko na sa kabila ng lahat ng kalungkutang nadarama ko may mga bagay parin palang naghihimutok  rin  kagaya ko.
Sa aking kanan, ay ang basurahang puno ng bagay na wala ng halaga sa mga taong minsang humawak at nagmay ari sa mga ito, punit punit na papel, balat ng kendi at kung anu anu pa at minsan pa nga alaala ng nakalipas na memorabilia ng unang pag ibig na natapos nalang sa mapait na paghihiwalay o di kaya ay larawan ng minsan nagging maligayang pag iibigan. Walang humpay ang pagkakapuno ng basurahang iyon at hindi ko malilimutan ang minsan na kahit ako ay nagtapon rin doon ng malungkot kong nakaraan mula sa nakaraang kong mahirap ding ipaliwanag. Habang minamasdan ko ang katabing ipunan ng mga walang halagang bagay ay sinalanta ako ng animoy nakikipag usap na basurahan at ibinubulong sa aking mainit na tainga ang kanyang hinaing na dulot ng kanyang trabaho dito sa mundong ibabaw. Tinig na nagsasabing kay hirap saluhin ng mga patapong bagay na kanyang ibinabahay lalu nat ang mga ito ay pinagsawaan na at wala ng gamit pa sa buhay ngunit ang pinakamasakit ay ang sipa na natamo mula sa isang binatang nagtapon ng kupas na larawan na may nakangiting mukha niya at nang nooy importanteng babae sa kanyang buhay, at kaakibat ng bawat salitang aking narining ay luhang pumapatak buhat sa imahinasyon ng nagwiwikang basurahan.  Ang akala ko hindi iyon nangyayari sa tunay na buhay na ang mga lalaki pala ay may karapatan ding masaktan sa kabila ng ipinapakita nitong katikasan. Habang patuloy sa pag agos ng salita ay dinaluyan naman ng alaala ang aking isipan, ang bawat makukulay na sandali ng lumipas kong pag ibig na nag udyok sa akin upang itungo ang aking muka at sariwain ang mas masasayang alaala ng kahapon. Walang kahirap hirap ay para akong nagpatianod sa baha ng sarili kong kalungkutan. Hinihintay kong tumigil ang kanyang bawat sambit upang kahit paano ay maipreno ko rin ang aking nagsusumbong na emosyon.
At nang manahimik ang tinig na iyon, ay napalingon naman ako sa aking kaliwa, isang pares nang sirang tsinelas ang pumukaw sa aking paningin. Kulay asul at kulay puti ang bumubuong kaanyuan nito, bagamat litaw parin ang pagkakulay asul nito ay nanlilimahid naman ang putik na dumikit sa puting bahagi nito, nagpapahiwatig nang mapuputik at mahihirap na daan na dinaanan nang tsinelas na ito, bagamat likas na wa class isuot ang mga tsinelas sa paa lalu na kung sa sosyalan ang tungo ng mga lakwatserang paa, madalas ang uring ito ng pampaa ang pinaka madalas na inuuwian ng mga pagod at naghihimutok na paa dahilan upang masulit ang halagang ipinambayad sa saplot na ito lalu na kung ang tatak pa nito ay “havaianas”.  Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang mapatingin sa tsinelas na suot ko, kahit simple lang ito ay napaka kumportable ko namang gamitin ito sa aking pang araw araw na lakad at walang dudang di nya ako iniiwan sa bawat yapak ko. Laking pasasalamat ko at natagpuan ko ang tamang tsinelas na umaayon sa mga paa kong parang daw bangka sa laki. Habang abala ako sa pagmamasid sa tsinelas kong halos ilang taon naring sinasaplutan ang aking mga paa ay nakarinig nanaman ako ng tinig, siguradong galing ito sa tsinelas ko hindi ko nga lamang malaman kung boses ba ito ng naglalambing o boses ng nagtatampo. Habang unti unting sinasalysay ang hirap nang ginagampanang tungkulin ay tumatak sa aking isipan ang mga linyang nagtatanung kung naging masaya ba ang panahong aming pinagsamahan at matapos yun ay sinundan ng pagpahiwatig nang makabukuhang parte ng buhay ko na akoy dinamayan niya, naalala niya nang minsan ay muntikan kong ipagpalit kay kamatayan ang buhay ko at halos hindi ako makapaniwala ng minsan ay ipinagpalit ko rin ang aking paniniwala na natutupad talaga ang mga pangarap at paulit ulit akong tinakid ng tsinelas kong napaginitan ko rin noong oras na yun, marahil kung hindi ako tinakid nun eh malamang wala pa rin ako sa ulirat sa mga sandaling knukwento ko ito sayo ngayon. Kahit nga ang una kong karanasan sa pagibig ay nagging katuwang ko ang gusgusin kong tsinelas na kahit na ilang ulit kong uniyak nang dahil sa pagkakamali ay ni hindi ako iniwanan ng tsinelas kong sumalo rin ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. At ng matapos ang paghihimutok ng tsinelas ko hindi ko maipaliwanag ngunit tila ba akoy napangiti naramdaman kong kahit tsinelas lang ang meron ako ay higit pa akong mayaman kaysa sa mga taong dumadaan sa harapan ko.
Habang abala akong nagninilay sa mga narinig ko ay naramdaman ko na ang mainit kong luha sa aking nanlilimahid na pisngi. Ramdam ko ang biglang pagkagulat mula sa tunog ng barya na nagshoot sa latang nasa paanan ko, mula sa pagkakatungo ay tinanaw ko ang latang yun na hindi kalayuan sa aking mga paa at mayroon na itong laman na tumatangingting na tatlong piso. Anak ng demonyo, napagkamalan akong yagit sa aking kinauupuan, akala siguro nang bawat dumaraan ay isa akong sawing bata na napagiwanan na ng mga kalaro sa lansangan, sa suot kong itim na pantaas at butas na butas na pantalon at tsinelas na halos naglalaho na ang kulay marahil nga ay nagmistula akong yagit sa kaanyuan ng aking pananamit. Lalu kong naramdaman ang kinahantungan ng buhay ko, makalipas ang taon na akoy nanatiling tambay at tiniis ang pangungutya ng kapalaran sa mahirap kong buhay, oo nga marahil akoy isang yagit ngunit hindi ito sapat na katwiran upang isipin ng mga tao sa aking paligid na akoy pulubing nagmamakaawa sa kanilang yaman. Minsan ngay mas maswerte pa ang tulad kong walang kwarta, tahimik ang buhay at mas may pakinabang pa.
Tumayo akong nagiisa at handing iwan ang latang mas kaylangan pa ng tunay na taong kalye, sae dad kong bente uno, marunong naman akong magbasa at magsulat at kaya kong magsumikap upang maging isang may halagang indibwal at tulad din ng basaruhan at tsinelas na naghimutok sa akin ay kaya ko rin tumupad sa tungkulin ko sa aking sarili na abutin ang aking binuong pangarap ng may buong sigla at pagsusumikap. At mula sa oras na iyon hinding hindi ko na muli pang isusuko ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na walang kahihinatnan, sisikapin kong mahalin muli ang mundong minsan kong ipinagsawalang bahala.

What is
known to me might not be for others,

It’s so sad
to be entertained by funny thoughts when I was

So sullen
and affected, it sounded like oblivion is much closer to me,

Right,
behind my eyes were painful tears waiting to be dropped.

That is
after a fine afternoon of smiles that turn into a

Wither
mood.

For as long
as I let them affects me

I will be
affected,

For as long
as I entertain myself

While I
forget the pain

Then I can
say I’m halfway there

This is not
a case of any third party relationship, or whatever the shits call it,

My
relationship with other people as far as I feel concern

is the kind
that bears hidden fears

And anguish
execution from the beloved heart.

I would be
lying if I say that my senses never felt that something was not

OK.

For a
moment I let somebody scourge me

Until I
found reasons to survive

I did, and
ended to feel much more pain

Maybe I’m
goofy, but there’s pain behind…

Not that I
was mistreated or something, but let just say painfully hurting, 

It is the
case why emotional people often end

To lose
track of their life when they became to attached

I could
pretend to be ok around everyone else; I can clown to the things

They giggly
say but a point or another, what they say can harm my feelings

Of course
they wouldn’t know it hit me.

My ability
to recognize sensitivity is something I kept

Over the
years,

No one
hardly knows me, and if there was someone who knows me

Then He/She
must have been encourage to jump over my wall

But I can
only tell how far their claim to know me has gone,

My written
agony reflects myself, like any other letters

Feelings
resembled by words popping up to my mind and says what

My lips
cannot say, but the mind can fool naives, heart doesn’t.

How come
two complicated reasons can be similar to a simple mathematics?

One can be
doubled along the process and conquer as much answer

When there
is only simple question…

I love you
can make a day feel complete and I hate you can break it into pieces,

When good
is not enough, and you’ll make a better one it came to such a worst one

There is
only one mind and one heart, but it can’t decide on equal measures

Understanding
what you can’t understand is hard, but when you get the chance to understand
the things on your escape, you complain how complicated it was.

Chance and
fate is different,

Like heart
and mind differs but at the same pool

They fight
for what is right

Whether it
is right or wrong…

its time again for me, to visit my lonely home

here i was at my heart’s intensive care unit,

midst of a sunny evening that i presume to go on,

thou silence was facing me, i kind of let strings leave me on

there where my grounds hitting me once more

as i retailed a sentiment of sounding goodbye…

for i know deep within i will find

peace in heaven where i shall reside,

for any name i not know for now but a paint of

hope i let it all…

too many walls…

i have a favorite mistake,

the one that complicates me, the one

that makes me selfless and unforgiving

i tried my best not to lie behind, to tell its ok

and my favorite mistake make me feel hard on it,

then one day again i wake up

falling out of my bed, pulling my heart out of its cage

there goes my life…

there goes my fallen self…

i go on living, i go on believing…